Find a way to overcome that feeling of insecurity.
During the talk with the girls yesterday, i realised that the insecurity that they said they felt, was, no, IS the same as i am going through, academics wise.

Woke up after a nightmare. Till now, i guess i'm still scared that it might come true. Hai, but it will come...

No.

Ms lim was right.

Frustration, frustration.

Well, this is the part where i say, "DAMNNNNN YOUUUUU!!!"
Hahha, if you know it goes.

Hai, i'm not happy.
It's obvious that i'm getting back my competitveness, but not my competitive edge, which suckx.
Real bad.

Today, ms lim changed our seats. And yay me! -.- Dont even ask me why.
Zzzzzzzzzzz.

Somebody get me out of that horrible arrangement.

Let me stay rooted. I want to stay rooted to the ground. Oh man, i'll be dragged into the 'Twilight ZONE'. Yay yay me -.-

Some people like adam, others prefer kris. For me, i like kris.
And its not because adam's gay.
Everyone is different; some has sexual disorientation.

So stop forcing people to feel the same way you do.

And you, YOU'Re a jerk!
______________________________________________

Just came back from a game of badminton with adeline at wdlands sports hall. I was late :
My hands, butt, thighs- all aching.

But it was fun :)

And now, it's already 11. And there's a few things i have yet to complete. Testimonial for example. Hmm, had enough time to think about it. Am going to pen down soon.

Going to school soon. Shall complete it there, before the EL paper.
AWWright, got to go.

Anyway, there's only two types of people in this world: One with manners and the other, DOWNRIGHT arrogant :) Which one are you?

I'm like walking with a stone in my shoes.
It's painful, and it's killing me.

For me to stop and get it out, it's going to require a lot of effort, though it really seems like there's nothing to it.

For once, cast aside that ego, pride and whatnot. It's time that we seize the day.

Wah, shagged.

Super tired now. After almost a month or so of no training at all, i guess today i was quite ping le bah :) Not bad. Went for the hci trials. I think it was damn fun? Hahah, it's been so long since i played with a group of people who only showed desire in the court. That's why, playing with people you don't know is so much better than with those you do know. At the very least, there is no ill feelings.

Kind of made friends with the nanyang, cedars', punggol as well as some hc people who were there. All nice people. Not forgetting cassandra, who came. Well, should i not be surprised? Hahah, people combined de leh!

Nope, i guess there's no way i can get in hc through dsa. But that's okay :) I had fun. Really. And i'm not saying that cos i know i wont be accepted -.- Hahha. It was really fun being around people who enjoy playing the same sport as you do.

Well, should get back to my books. I want to get in! Cos i felt a similar warmth in hc, like in bp.

Positive.

Ran into a primary school friend in the lrt just now.
Yeah, yet another person who said i speak like a chinese -.-

Hahh. Weird.

Anyway, the last past hour was a roller-coaster man. It went like this : I was convinced (by junhao and principal) to apply for dsa. Chose ACJC. Apparently dionne has called the miss tang (vball t/ic in acjc) to apply. And so, i did too. But after running into yixian at lot1 just now, i'm beginning to have my doubts.

Guess what, they still got their setter, that jurong setter, and i heard that a few of the jurong people are applying for dsa there too -.- Zzzzz. So i guess, my chances are close to null. At least, that is what i feel, having lost the touch.

This is silly, cos i'm thinking of un-applying -.- But zzzz.

Okay now i'm thinking, "Cancel the application and use my own o level results to get in!" Piss them off! Hahaha. But you know... Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Now i'm kind of lost, unsure of what to do.

But, then again, i have yet to really officially apply. Only talked to ms tang.
Hai, i'm going to toss a coin.

GRRR.

By the way, i had my work (and jessica)'s printed and distirbuted to the whole class by ms lim for the first time :D Okay, yeah, that's nothing compared to pratyusha!

But, that won't be the last time.

Hmmmmmmm. Got back bio paper today :) Highest eh! Haha, together with ade. sheesh -.- HAHA. Quite satisfied la.
Well, basically this commontest showed me how much hardwork is greatly linked to success. Hmm, even if you don't succeed, you'll still feel good right?

Hah. Didn't use to believe in hardwork. Well, maybe it was more of, no time for hardwork and i didn't care. Hah, what a loser right.

It's okay. All's not lost.

Anyway, was a little pissed with this teacher who marked my add.maths paper -.- Super guailan! Hahaha!

For goodness' sake, it was a careless mistake, and HE had to rub it in~!

Hey you, i'm trying my best, to be that better person.

So cute.

For the first time, i poured out everything to my mum.
Somehow, it feels like a heavy load off my back. Now, i think i'm more assured that this is what i want. And she said one thing, that made me teared a little.
"Wanting the best is good, but if wanting d' BEST makes you lose confidence, or passion even, then settling for the second next to best is good enough."

Good enough? I don't want a 'good enough'. But thanks anyway :)

I want to play badminton~~
Anyone?

Hmmm. Yesterday, went straight home after the buffet and talk. Food> not nice........ Oh yeah, junhao gave us some stuff. Read the letter. Hmm. I can't decide. I can only set- not even a proper setter even. I don't want to disappoint my future coach la. Later he vomit blood uh, see my underhand -.-

Got to hit the gym man. Anyone?

Zzzzzzz. Haven't been running for the longest time and my stamina is like shit. Another reason why i'm hesitant to tell people i was a vball player. I need training. I want to feel that desire burning again. But currently, i have no coach. Unless, junhao's willing to train me la. I'd be thankful :)

I need a jogging partner. Anyone interested text me okay.

Eeeyer, sounds like an AD~

Anyway, THIS IS FREAKY:

Your Mind is Green

Of all the mind types, yours has the most balance. You are able to see all sides to most problems and are a good problem solver. You need time to work out your thoughts, but you don't get stuck in bad thinking patterns. You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about the future, philosophy, and relationships (both personal and intellectual).

I took approx. 2hrs for chapter18 :)
Guess i'm the only crazy ass who wakes up as early as 2.30am to do work :)

Haha.

Anyway, you know, i've been thinking again, lately.
The world just isn't fair for everyone. i mean, it's going well for me, not that great, but yeah. I'm contented. It's just isn't the case for some people, you know. One simple mistake leads to another. Soon, they would deem their whole life as a big maistake by itself. It's a little heart-wrenching to see acquaintances, not even close friends, keep wanting to end their life. Hah, well, yeah it's a dumb idea. But if you look at the bigger picture, it all started with one mistake.

And for the rest of their lives, they have to live with it.
Some find courage and the motivation to move on, but that minority? What really become of them? That is my concern. (suddenly i care too much)

I'm saying this cos i think i can relate to these people. The difference between them and me, is that i am surrounded by a positive 'energy'. They aren't. That's the sad thing. From bad, to worse. But the good becomes better. So, is that fair?

Hai. Having said so much, it still boils down to attitude. If you got a problem, don't expect someone else to solve it for you. AND definitely stop waiting for it to be solved by itself. Please, do yourself a favour by thinking of a solution before it snowballs. Cos when that happens, you'll wish you hadn't been born.

Hmmmmmmm. Contraception. hah. Hormonal imbalance. Hah.

Okay, currently doing research (when i'm supposed to finish up chapter 18) Can't be helped la. Chapter 17, so much more interesting as compared to cell division! Hahah. Human body.

If i get a chance to be a doctor, i'll be one related very closely to human body, specifically, the heart :) Well, it's damn interesting man. Cardiovascular specialist. Haha.

Hmm, should get back to research.

Anyway, i'm out to own.

For some reasons, i decided to write something here, today.

Hmm, haven't had good sleep for the past week. It's been crazy. I'm walking in school with eyes like slits -.- And my eyes hurt. But it isn't dry though.

Must be wondering why i'm spending time here instead of sleeping if that's the case. Well, somehow, i can't sleep. I keep thinking of tests, exams, study, and test, exams, study. People say this is a symptom of stress. But if i don't even think i'm stress. Or am i?

Brain-ache.

I need sleeping pills.

No, i can't. Two more papers to go.
And guess what, I developed a phobia.
For something that i used to be so confident in, it's freaking #$%^&*.

And now, i can't think straight.

Woo. Back.
Printing stuff again.

I like my class, alot better now :) So different from the past. It's good being around good people. Hmm, but they can't help me much with studies though. Some can la, i mean, just not enough to keep the motivation going? I don't know how to say it.

Anyway, as usual, i guess i threw away marks for ss -.-

Hmmm, went over to lot1 just now. Okay, i asked something which i shouldn't have. Made it so awkward. Zzzzz. Didn't get what i wanted to get, but ate lots of crap.

After school, had NSW science comp? Yeah, crap. LJS walked in and kept implying that we should be in our rows (tables). So finally, i told them to move. In less that 2mins, everyone was done. Cool man.

By the way, this song sounds like "F.U.C.K" -.- Now that i realised it.

Turned and looked back. I felt a sense of loss, but it wasn't greatly felt. For as long as i could remember, my presence was never appreciated. Or at least, that's how you made me feel. So i guess, memories will stay as memories. It'd be foolish of me to come running after it.

Oh gosh. Asked ben for essays and he really gave me all! Unbelievable :D Thanks man!
[I just spent over an hour to print notes.]

This is crazy.

Hahhaha. I'm awake.
Went through a few pages of chapter17, but i'm still not done yet.

Whatever.

"Be your own hero."

This is pathetic. I'm talking to myself.

Chapter16 is done :D
Woooo. Halfway through chapter 17 le. Wah piang, eyes pain sia! Hahah.

Woke up, only to realise that it was just a dream. I miss talking to you. I miss sitting at the mrt platform for as long as i could remember, laughing about everything. You'd lend me a listening ear. You were the only one who cared then. Even after a day's work, you laughed with me, you shared my burden, you reassured me with your advice. Thanks for everything. I will always remember your every word. I will never forget you.
-"He who fought the bravest, wins the battle."

Thanks ms tay. [I've been a disappointment in ss though :( ]

Oh damn.
I lost focus again.
But i managed to finish chapter15- Hormones. All that i did the last 3hours or so.. No, more of like, i wasted most of the time. Gosh, wasted time.
Hmmm. Should i do math next?
Maybe. Yeah. Or chem.

Sorry, but i don't wish to clear the mess that i put us through. It's for the best. And, you should know that i'm not blaming you. So just, lose it. Forget it.

If i post again, i'll be wasting time.

:) Mr sazali said he saw my target for olevels. Confirm he saw that reflection paper.
Haha, doesn't matter. I'm going to make it happen, anyway.

Wooo. Been awake since 5am. Okay, so far, i went through content for ss, completed every bit of lit ppt slides. Not alot eh. I'm slow, that's why. Hmm. Going to work on bio next.

It's going to be a long, but productive day!